No Booty Calls
by lelalemon
Summary: Edward/Roy. Humorous. Goes with Kelly Liam show song "No booty calls". One-shot.


This is just supposed to be kind of funny. It's Ed/Roy. The song is called "No booty calls" from web-sensation Kelly.

I don't own either.

Edward is putting all of his books back after having been at the library for over twelve hours. It is nearly one as he stretches and decides to continue tomorrow. He makes a stack of "going to keep out", and a larger stack of "needs to be put away tonight". He grimaces at the thought of having to climb on the library ladder to put things in their rightful place, but he knows that Sheska will have his ass handed to him if anything is out of order.

He is ten books down, over fifty to go as his phone starts to ring. Alphonse is back in his real body and probably wrist deep in Winry Rockbell-Elric; the military doesn't call this late for anything; and Russell is probably asleep. And Roy, well. It is the most likely. Roy had taken a turn for the worst- Drinking, getting fired. He even moved in with Hawkeye after being release from duty. He flips the phone up.

"Hello?" He asks.

"Hey, it's your ex." Roy says, trying to sound suave.

"It's one in the morning!" Edward practically yells at his dead-beat ex lover. "What the hell do you want?"

"Baby, I'm horny." Roy snorts out.

"Oh, what are you saying? You want to get together?" Edward asks, semi-amused as he puts another few books away.

"I want you to come over all dressed up in leather like you used to do."

"Back in '02." Edward says sardonically.

You give me nice dreams; Make me wanna scream 'Ooh, ooh, ooh!'"

"That's not happening again, that was back then. And now I'm interested in bigger and better men. No booty calls, deck. That's not happening" Edward sing-songs and puts more books away, silently cursing the high shelves.

"Ah, Edo, I still got it going on. I know you're hot to trot, and I'm warm for your form." Roy smirks.

"Wow, with clichés like that I'm really torn." Edward says dramatically. "Your game is played, go back to your porn."

"You start me up, you make a dead man cum."

Edward scoffs. "Then you can just drop dead 'cause you ain't gettin' some."

"What happened to the freak who used to rock my world?" Roy asks, hoping that it will be taken as a bit of a challenging statement.

"Well, the freak's still here but he's not your Searle. You broke up with me."

"I made a mistake." Roy responds calmly.

"So why don't you just ask me out on a date?"

"Uh, 'cause, uh, tonight's fate"

"Please," Edward sounds exasperated as he loads another book onto the shelf. "No booty calls, deck. No booty calls. That's not happening."

"Remember when we hit it outside in the parking lot?" Roy asks, obviously not backing down.

"Outside of IHOP?" Edward asks lazily climbing the ladder and then jumping down.

"Yea, that was so hot." Roy says smugly.

"Thank you, I'm flattered, but it doesn't matter. I remember that you threw up in the pancake batter." Edward pauses and frowns. "You've got a problem, you're drunk all the time. Are you even sure that this phone number's mine?" He continues putting more books up. Twenty down.

"Uh, yea, uh... Wait, what?" Roy asks, sounding confused.

Edward snickers. "If that confused you, I'm gonna have to lose you. Go back to first grade and get yourself a Blue's Clue. I don't even know whatever made me choose you."

"'Cause we're good together."

"But I could do better."

"No one makes you wetter."

Laughing now, "Buddy, you're like cheddar. Cheesy!"

"You know, I moved out Hawkeye's and I got my own crib."

"That's funny, that's just where you belong, in a crib."

"Are you saying I'm your baby?" Roy smiles.

"I'm saying you're a baby." Edward sighs.

"I'm not hearing yes or no, I'm hearing maybe."

"Well, get your hearing checked 'cause you can't play me."

"If I'm a player, hate the game, don't hate me."

Edward pauses. "That's not how that phrase goes."

"I know, but you just turn me on, baby, from my head to my toes."

Edward snorts and basically tosses a book onto the shelf. "Jesus Christ! Could you at least be original? If game was the truth, then yours would be fictional."

"Baby, I got style, I got class."

"I got a brand new boot for your ass." Edward says gruffly. "No booty calls, deck."

"Oh, come on, baby."

"No, no booty calls! That's not happening"

"Hey, Edo from the block. I don't just talk the talk, I walk the walk; and I know you like my co…"

Edward interrupts, blushing slightly. "Hey, Johnny-Cum-Lately, don't discombobulate me. If you want some of this you have to properly date me."

"You mean wine and dine? That's a waste of time. I can spend 5 dollars and still get mine." Roy states, sounds snarky.

"Since it's probably all you have let me buy you a hint. How's this? Go stuff your pee hole with a Junior Mint." He sets more books up, eyes the rest of the pile wearily.

"Maybe, all I wanna do is make you sweat. Let me be Romeo to your Juliet." Roy says, not sounding intelligent at all.

This amused Edward. "Okay, so drink some poison and I'll stab myself. You'd know that story if ever took a book off a shelf."

Roy answers back defensively. "I don't need no book."

"Double negative, so you do."

"My dick's hard, look."

"That pejorative is so rude."

"I don't understand all these big words you use. I don't need big words 'cause I got big shoes."

"Verbally you're a moron; Sexually you're a klingon. I'm more mature now, I need a mental turn-on." Edward put another few books up.

"Baby, I got brains in my underwear. My dick equals mc squared, ooh."

Edwards laughs lightly at Roy. "You need to go back to physics class. The only brains in your pants is your head up your ass. Check that, you know, you could be right, 'cause you do cum faster than the speed of light."

"You must admit, I got a load like a stallion. I skeet skeet on with my creamy Italian."

"Ew! What am I to you? A salad bar? You like to skeet so much I need a dick sneeze guard!" Edward says, almost disgustedly.

"You want some tonight?" Roy asks, assuming he'd get the younger man.

"I want some never."

"That's not what you said back when we were together."

"Well, that's not happening again. That was back then, and now I'm interested in smarter, employed men. No booty calls, deck. No booty calls. That's not happening. No booty calls, deck. Sorry."

"Oh, come on, baby." Roy begs.

"No, don't interrupt me. No booty calls. Okay?"

"Oh, now we're back on that again?" Roy asks, obviously having not heard a word he'd said.

"Yea, we are, 'cause I don't want one."

"Don't you want to check out my new stereo?" Roy asks as a last ditch attempt.

"I don't think so." Edward laughs as he dismisses him. He puts another book up, only one more.

"I know you'll like it."

"Whatever."

"Come on, baby, come over."

"No, this phone conversation's over."

Edward turns around to grab the last book and Russell is standing there with a grin as he puts the last book away and grabs Edward into a deep kiss.

Haha, sorry. Couldn't help myself.


End file.
